After working another long week, (38 hours this time) I finally have a little room to breathe. I've got the next three days off to rest and recuperate, plus I'm taking some time off next week to go laptop shopping with my mom. We've both finally saved up enough money and I am SO excited to be so close to getting myself the laptop I've been wanting for over a year now. :) Plus, after I'm finished purchasing my lovely new Apple, I can start saving up for the other pieces of technology I've been craving, such as an Xbox 360, a new iPod, and of course lots of video games/music to go along with them. *squee* My poor 20-page-long Amazon wishlist has been sadly neglected over the past couple of months! It'll be nice to get back to shortening it.

Also, words do not describe how happy I am that the new Hellboy movie is finally coming out. I saw previews for it last night and I'm still squeeful. Unfortunately I haven't seen any of the other cool movies that have come out this summer, which is just terrible, but such is the danger of working life. (And not having a car) That's OK though, since I think we're going to go see Iron Man next week after laptop shopping has concluded. I'm amazed at how many interesting movies are coming out this year. Last year it seemed like we had hardly anything worth watching and now my list is so long, I can't keep up with it. On the bright side, maybe now we'll go see more movies since I can finally afford to pay for my own ticket, which makes it a little less expensive. (Though not if gas prices keep skyrocketing)

My writing hasn't been going so great, again thanks to my job. I'm so exhausted when I get home that trying to do anything creative is just too much for me to handle. I have managed to do a little work, though, and Episode 3 of Dreamfall is almost finished. I swear it's forthcoming, plus I'm going to use the extra time off this week to see if I can't get Episodes 4 and 5 done as well. No promises, though, because I've also got to spend time on other things, like catching up on chores and another project I've got going that I'm keeping under wraps for the moment.

The job hasn't been that peachy, either. All but a handful of my friends have left. Yesterday is probably the last time I'm going to see one of my best friends there, and it seems my superiors have decided that they just can't be bothered to train me for anything new and different, which means that I get to be a cashier stuck doing the exact same job day in, day out, from now until doomsday. I am not the sort of person who deals well with monotony. Especially not minimum wage monotony that's so exhausting and painful it's keeping me from my real work. Writers: don't quit your day job, but don't let your day job take over your life, either. Mine is dangerously close to doing so, not to mention I've developed a creeping depression because of it. Things will change soon-- I'll make sure of it-- but I am sad that a job I once enjoyed has so quickly turned sour. And I miss my friends. Not all of them are gone, but the ones I was closest to have moved on, and it makes me sad. Bright side: all this emotional turmoil will make for a wonderful story someday.

And that's your window in to the life for Amanda Cales for this week. :) Have a cookie.

Well, another uneventful day, come and gone. I mostly watched television today and read my book a lot. Permanence is turning out to be really good, actually. The characters seem very alive and even though there's a lot of technobabble going on that I don't really understand, the book has a very "real" feeling to it. I'm really impressed, and I'm already really fond of the main character, Rue. At least I think she's the main character. Whatever she is, I like her. =) No robots as yet, though. Or sex. And only minimal violence. Damn. =P

I updated my website again today. This time I mention it not only to plug it, but because I revived "Ramble", an old message board I used to have for my Petz site, AP4C/Mind's Eye. (Nobody on my F-list now will probably recognize either of those, except maybe Hel ♥, but they were actually pretty popular back in "the day") It had a few messages left on it from a few years ago. Reminded me of just how much my circle of friends has changed and how much I've changed. Amidst the spam there was a message from Linatikkie, who I used to really love and chatted with like, every day. We roleplayed together a lot in chatrooms, usually involving her wild ideas for what a magical convent would be like, or an inn full of vampires, demons, and incubi. *grin* It was awesome. I really, really miss those times. They were so much fun. True, most of the time the stuff we cranked out was no better then what you find in a soap opera, but gods. It was so much fun. But, as I did with so many of my friends back then--and this is proof of just how twisted and chaotic my father was at the time, and how much I was influenced by his anger, especially towards others--I "broke up" with her because I decided she was too weak. Back then she kinda had a thing for hurting herself, as did several of her friends, and I didn't approve. We've talked a little since then, and I still consider her a very dear friend, but we've just never connected like we used to. We've really drifted apart. I admire what she's done with her life since the time when we were best friends, but we just don't seem to have anything to talk about anymore. I miss that a lot, too. I remember the conversations that would go on for hours, the fun we'd have with my webcam, and I remember when we did Nanowrimo together too, and I typed 1500 words in 30 minutes while chatting with her as well, because I hadn't met my quota that day and I had to catch up. So much fun. I feel like such an idiot for letting that go.

And then there was the message from Mauie.

When I first met Tai, she came with somewhat of a posse. (Ironically enough, out of all the long time friends I "broke up" with back in that time period, she was probably the one I should have stayed broken up with, instead of being the one I forgave and tried to pursue a relationship with) It was Tai, Luna, Min, and Mauie. Mauie and Tai were "lost sisters", mostly by their own admission, Min was the mutual friend with the unpleasant older brother, and Luna was an old shade from Tai's past that always seemed to piss Tai off, but never seemed to get in trouble for it. I got along fine with Tai and Min, but Luna and I never really clicked. Mauie, on the other hand...well, for awhile we were pretty good friends because she was Tai's friend and so was I, but then we'd start getting into these horrible fights over pretty much nothing. Many times it was about her refusal to use the word "die", instead substituting it with the word "perish" because in old Shakespearean-whatever "die" actually meant to orgasm or have sex or something. I never liked that and I really resented her correcting me all the time, so we'd fight about it. When we weren't bickering over that, we'd usually fight about social and cultural issues, since Mauie always liked the idea of ruling the world to make it better. We usually disagreed on what would make it better. At least, I think that's what we used to disagree on. I don't really remember. All I know is that we fought a lot, and after reading the message on Ramble I think I know why: I used to be a real bitch.

She had posted on Ramble, politely asking if I'd blocked her or if I was just never on at the same time she was, stating that she missed talking with me even if we always fought, and my response was basically a not so subtle "fuck off". And I am just absolutely horrified that I ever wrote anything like that. And, thinking about it, I know I must have written stuff like that all the time. But, in my family, in those years especially, anger was the accepted emotion. Anger was OK, it was good to be angry at all those meaningless peons on the internet who were evil and horrible and stupid and would never live up to The Holy Standard of Dad and His Offspring. (Me) And, of course, I was always angry at my dad but never had any way to express it, so I expect I took it out on my friends and the internet at large. And I just feel so horrible to think that I ever used to be like that. It really struck me how much I've mellowed out. I mean, yeah, I still have my bitch moments, and that may never be something I get rid of, but...damn. I literally smacked myself in the face with this one. I feel so bad I'm trying to decide whether or not to send Mauie some kind of message. I know she'd remember me, but wow...what do I say? How do I even find her? Does her old email address still work? I found her LJ through Tai's F-list but it's private and the userinfo isn't filled out. I don't know what to do. I desperately want to say "I'm sorry", because I truly am sorry that I ever acted that way, but I'm just not sure to go about it. Or if my apology would even be welcome. Maybe it's just best to let the past be the past, and not try to bring it up all over again. Except now I'm beginning to realize that, even though Mauie and I fought, I was the only one who was really fighting. She was just debating. Heatedly, perhaps, but I was always the violent, angry one. I just assumed that she was attacking me and that she needed to be yelled at as a result. And that makes me think...what kind of friendship did I miss out on there? What did I destroy, in my ignorance and my hatred? Is it worth the effort to rekindle? Even in the hazes of my deepest fury, I always knew Mauie was an intelligent young woman. Always. In fact looking back again, this time with a critical, unemotional eye...I feel certain that she was probably way smarter than me. She was always better than me at graphics and HTML, and always had a better grasp of social issues then I did. Maybe I was jealous, on a subconscious level. I don't know. I don't remember.

Anyway, it's getting late, and I need to do my Tai Chi stretches before bedtime so I'd better sign off. Mau, if by some astounding twist of fate, you come across this: I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry that I ever spoke to you that way. I regret it, and I freely admit that I was so very wrong. My apologies.

-A