You know, for a long time I've wondered what it is I seek in other people. I've always known I was looking for something, that sort of "spark" in a person that made them interesting, and passionate, and seem like they were actually alive instead of just going through the motions of life. I was never able to define it in words, but I knew what it was and how strongly it existed in each person I encountered, even if my only interaction with them was a LJ user profile or a string of text on a screen. And then sometimes, when I would find people like that -- real or fictional -- I would wonder just exactly what it was that made us "click" so well. Why we would be friends, because we inevitably would be friends, and would stay friends through pretty much anything. And then there would be other times when I'd meet people who I thought had this "spark" to begin with, but after spending time with them I slowly began to lose interest in their existence, and ignore them, and forget about them, because it was easier then trying to figure out how to talk to them because it seemed like, no matter what was happening in our lives, we couldn't connect anymore. I always wondered why that happened with some people, and not others, and what that extra something was that I was constantly searching for, and still am searching for, every minute of my existence. My need for it is so overwhelming sometimes it sends me into depression or anger because I cannot find it in sufficient quantities.

And then there are other times, when I'm alone, when I think about myself in different situations or imagine possible futures for myself. During these times I recognized something in myself that I hadn't seen in anyone else for so long that I was beginning to wonder if there was some flaw in me, or some extraordinary twist of genetics or psychology that would eventually make it completely impossible for me to exist in this world because there wouldn't be anyone who was able to keep up with me, to challenge me. And I wondered what it was that made me so different, and why it felt the way it did, what caused it, and why I only seemed able to find a likeness to myself in fiction or occasionally in a friend who always seemed to be too far away.

I just figured it out.

And suddenly, I feel a lot better.